


Show for No One

by StatueOfLuberty



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alone, M/M, Mention Of Homophobia, Violence, suicidal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-12
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-09 02:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3232070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StatueOfLuberty/pseuds/StatueOfLuberty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's just for the media. It's never been real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It's just for the media. It's never been real.

Pat's been on this team for seven years, and he hasn't had a single friend. That stuff that you see on internet or the television? Fake. It's all fake. It's there for the media and fans. His teammates hate him. He has friends in the league, but he doesn't get to hang out with them a lot. There aren't that many, anyway.

God, even his family doesn't know. He tells sisters about pranks that don't happen. He never tells them about the cruel pranks that are played on him. He goes home, cries about them, and forgets they happen. His parents think that he's best friends with Patrick Sharp and his captain, Jonathan Toews. God, that's the biggest joke he's ever heard. Sharp won't let Pat near his kids, and Toews  just give him that look that tells him to back off.

This is why he would drink all the time. He drowned his sorrows in whatever alcohol he could get his hands on. People thought it was just because he's a party animal, but then again, they don't know how lonely Pat is. But now, he busies himself with stuff like yoga, reading, cooking classes, working out to stay in shape, and volunteering at the local animal shelter whenever he has time, which is usually a lot.

He really hates being alone.

___________________________________________

Pat really hates going to optional skate.

He has to get up early, which is never fun, and he drives by himself. He always goes to optional skate because it's the only time he can hang with the team, but no matter what he does, they ignore him. He still goes, though. He doesn't want to be yelled at by his captain.

When he walks into the locker room, everybody stops talking. He walks over to his stall and sits down, trying to ignore how Shaw scoots away. Without uttering a word, he gets undressed and puts on his gear before walking to the ice, finishing before all the guys that got there before him, just like any other practice or skate.

"Kaner, you're out here early," Q comments.

Coach Q doesn't even know. Everybody thinks they're all friends. They've got them all fooled. How sad is it that his own coach can't tell that there's something wrong?

"Just wanted to work on my shot," Pat lies.

Q stares at him before nodding. Pat skates over to one of the circles and handles a puck a little before taking a slap shot, letting the sound of it echo throughout the rink and his head. He does it again, and again, and again. He does it until his arms and shoulders hurt. When he turns around, he freezes as he notices that everybody's staring at him. Coach Q skates over and places a hand on his shoulder.

"Kaner, we're starting drills," he says lowly.

Pat hangs his head. "Sorry, Coach."

They skate over to the rest of the team, and he keeps his head low so he doesn't have to see the disgusted looks on their faces. He stops a few feet away from his line and listens to the instructions. He hears Seabrook tell Keith how much of an idiot Pat is. Pat blinks back the tears that are threatening to spill. Why is his life like this?

Once practice is over, Pat rushes to get dressed and leave. When he leaves the locker room, he hears somebody calling his name, but it mustn't be good if a teammate actually wants to talk to him.

"Kaner! Kaner! Ugh, Pat!"

Pat stops. When he turns around, Saad is jogging to him with a sincere smile on his face. He's nice to Pat, but they aren't friends. It's a step up from how he's usually treated, though, so there's a plus.

"You left your phone in your stall. I found it before somebody else on the team did," Saad says as he hands it over.

"Oh, uh, thanks," Pat says, and he slips it into his pocket before turning around.

"Do you want to go out to lunch with us? You left before anybody could ask."

Pat laughs and says, "Brandon, I think you and I both know they did that on purpose. Thanks for the offer, though. It'll be more fun without me."

He leaves before Saad can protest.

___________________________________

Pat's never wanted anything more than to kill himself. Of course, he doesn't do it. He has so many fans that he would disappoint, and he doesn't want to leave his family. He loves his sisters and parents too much to make them go through that. He really hates his life, though.

Pat's in the middle of writing one of his many unfinished suicide notes when there's a knock on the door. He wipes his eyes and crumples it up, throwing it away before looking through the peephole. A huge smile breaks out on his face, and he throws the door open before gathering Erica up in a huge hug.

"If I knew you missed me this much, I would've come sooner," she jokes as he pulls away. Her smile disappears when she catches the red-rimmed eyes. "What's wrong, Patty?"

"Oh, uh, I was just watching a video about puppies being beaten. Those things make me tear up every time," he kind of lies. He didn't watch one, but they do make him cry.

She walks past him, her suitcase rolling closely behind. He closes the door and watches her scope out the place before putting her stuff in the guest room. She comes back and frowns again.

"How come you don't have any pictures of you and the guys out here?" she asks.

Damnit. "They're still packed away from when I moved in here."

"Oh. Anyway, don't you want to know why I'm here?" she asks as she bounces on the balls of her feet.

"I'm hoping it's because you missed your big bro," Pat says with a chuckle.

"Well, yes, but also because I got a job offer out here! I knew you would let me stay here for the interview, so I thought I would also surprise you!" she squeals.

"Erica, that's great! I'm so proud of you," he says with a smile, but it doesn't fool her.

"Seriously, Patty. What's wrong? Did something happen at practice?" she questions.

He sighs. "I'm fine. Honestly. I just haven't been getting much sleep lately."

"Why not?"

 _Because I cry myself to sleep._ "It's been a crazy season. It'll get better once I'm used to it."

She finally nods. "Okay. If you want, you can go take a nap. I don't mind."

"And miss out on hanging with my little sis? Are you crazy? We have to play DDR and even up the score."

____________________________________

Day games are the worst. Even when they win.

Pat undresses his top half and talks to the media before he takes a shower. He stands under the same shower head in the corner that he's used since he was a rookie. His teammates stay as far away as they can, some waiting for the shower so that they don't have to use the ones closest to him. Saad tried doing that once, but Sharp caught him and told him to get away. Pat definitely cried as the water beat down on his broken body. Saad never tried again.

The team always goes out to dinner after day games, and they usually let Pat come along—they don't even talk to him, though—but Pat doesn't want to go this time.

"What? Think you're too good for us now?" Seabrook hisses.

"No. My sister's in town, so I was going to have dinner with her," he tells them all.

"I feel bad for her. Having to deal with your sorry ass all these years must be annoying," Keith comments.

Pat dresses quickly and heads out, wiping at his eyes. He looks up and find Erica frowning. God, why can't she wipe that look off her face?

"Patty..."

"I don't want to talk about it," he interrupts.

"Why are you crying?" she asks, completely ignoring what he said. "You guys won, and you scored."

"It's the guys!" he snaps.

She takes a step back. "What do you mean?"

"They're not my friends," he admits. "They never have been. I've lied to you all about it."

"Why?" she asks.

"Because! I didn't want you guys to think I was a loser," he sniffs.

"What about Jonny? Or Sharpy?"

"Toews and Sharp hate me the most. It might be because—"

"Patty, don't you _dare_ think that. I doubt it's because of that," she says, finally stepping closer.

"What other reason is there? I haven't done anything to make them all hate me," he mumbles.

He feels tears running down his cheeks, and Erica must see them, because she wraps an arm around his shoulders and rushes him to his car. She takes the keys and drives them home while he silently cries in the passenger seat.

"There has to be somebody, Patty," she says.

"Brandon Saad's nice to me, but we don't hang out. It's either me or the team for him, and he can't risk that," he tells her as she pulls into his parking spot.

"Why can't he be your friend _and_ be friends with the team?" she questions. Pat gives her a look, and she sighs. "Okay, fair enough. It's you or twenty-something guys. Look, I just think they're missing out on such a great guy who makes my whole family laugh with his jokes and the funny faces he makes, who will do anything to make me or my sisters feel better when we're really sad, and who will jump in front of a bullet for anybody he sees. I mean, you've done it with pucks when it was about to hit a teammate and break their leg."

He smiles. "Thanks, Erica."

"No problem. Now, you're going to go take a nap, and I'm going to go shopping with your credit card."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once Pat leaves the locker room, Saader walks over to Jonny, a determined look on his face. When Jonny looks up, Saader punches him right in the jaw. Immediately, Shawsy's pulling him away while Seabs and Duncs do the same to Jonny, checking on him at the same time.

"What the hell?!" Jonny shouts.

"What's wrong with you?! Can't you see how depressed he is?!" Saader asks, red in the face.

"What the fuck are you talking about?!" Jonny questions.

Instead of answering, Saader rips himself out from Shawsy's grip and gets dressed, leaving quickly. Jonny runs after him in his bare feet, ignoring the cold of the concrete.

"Saader, talk to me!" he calls out.

Saader freezes before turning around and stepping in Jonny's space. "I don't know what your problem is—"

" _My_ problem?!"

"—but Pat has been nothing but nice to me! He's tried being nice to you guys, and you want nothing to do with it! What the hell did he do to piss off this team for seven years?! I know he's never had a friend on this team because _he told me._ He said that he never goes out with us because he can't stand sitting alone at a table while you guys cram into booths. He can't stand being laughed at as he hears you guys making fun of his height, or his hair, or how much of a 'loser' he is! I've tried being his friend, but he told me to not even bother because he doesn't want me going through what he's going through! He doesn't want you guys to start hating me because I'm his friend, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that that's what I'd rather do than be friends with you guys. So tell me, Jonathan Toews, what did Pat do to make you all think he deserves to go through this hell?!" Brandon, rants, shouting the last part right in Jonny's face.

Jonny stands there, frozen in his spot. Saader just shakes his head, chuckling to himself. "Of course. Don't bother inviting me out to stuff with the guys unless Pat is actually invited—not out of pity—because I'm going to be the friend that I should've been at the start of my NHL career."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pat wakes up to the sound of consistent knocking on his apartment door. He stops his sister and opens it to reveal Saad on the other side.

"Brandon? What are you doing here?" he asks.

"I can't hang out with my friend?" Saad asks, and Patrick beams before throwing his arms around Saad's shoulders, silently crying.

_______________________________

Ever since that night, Pat has smiled a little more, laughed a little more, and cried a little less. He's still not as happy as Erica or Brandon wants him to be, but it's a start. Erica found her own apartment, so she moved out as soon as everything was finalized, which means Pat's alone again. He still goes to his classes, but he's not coming home to his sister laughing at the television.

Pat and Brandon walk into the UC locker room, laughing at a story Brandon was telling. Pat can tell that everybody's staring, so he immediately stops and rushes over to his stall, keeping his head low. The team goes back to talk to each other, so Pat looks around. His gaze catches on Jonny. Jonny is still half-undressed, and he's just watching Pat with something written on his face. He finally looks away, laughing at whatever Sharp said.

A shadow suddenly falls over Pat. He looks up and matches his smile to Brandon's. Brandon's in his gear, ready to go out for warm-ups. When Pat's ready, they stand by the door.

"Why'd you stop laughing earlier?" Brandon asks quietly.

"You saw what happened," Pat points out. "They stared. They're not happy that we're friends."

" _They_ can't do anything about it. You're my friend; if they don't like it, oh well."

Why is Brandon doing this? Doesn't he realize that this will hurt him? He'll be humiliated every week, just like Pat? That's why Pat asked to room by himself the second he got the chance; he _hated_ rooming with Jonny. Jonny would let the guys in and torture him. He would pretend that he didn't see them punch him, kick him, and spit on him. He wouldn't do anything to stop it. If Pat's playing was bad, he would get punished. If it was worse the next game because of the injuries, he would get punished even more, and _Jonny didn't do anything._ Of course, it hasn't happened in a couple years. but he's always keeping his eyes open in case he gets grabbed.

"Brandon, you're just going to get yourself hurt," Pat warns.

"I'm willing to risk it."

 

 

The game goes well. It goes really well.

Pat will never know how he and Jonny have so much chemistry on the ice when Jonny can't stand to look at him. Maybe it's because—

No. It's been nine years. That's all over, now.

At the end, it's 5-2 against the Sharks, and if Pat has a little hop in his step, nobody's making fun of him or yelling at him for it. They're too busy doing the same thing. Pat's really happy until somebody suggests they go out for drinks. The smile immediately disappears form his face, and he takes his gear off, movements like a robot. Saader frowns.

"Pat, why don't you come out with us?" he asks form across the room.

The talking stops, waiting for his answer. When he looks up, he sees that everybody's glaring at him. He shakes his head and starts to unlace his skates.

"No thanks. Don't really feel like going out," he mumbles.

"C'mon, just a couple drinks! I promise it'll be fun," Saader argues.

Pat thinks about it, being able to drown his sorrows in alcohol. He finally nods. "Fine."

He misses the smile that spreads across Saader's face and the way Jonny's shoulder's relax.

When they get to the bar, the team piles into booths while Pat sits at a table alone. He sips his beer, studying the label like he does every time he goes out with the team. He could probably recite everything from memory.

When the waitress brings over his scotch, he downs it and asks for another. Before he knows it, he's already drunk, the room spinning as he stands. He feels a hand land on his shoulder, but when he looks up, all he sees is a dark blur. The person leads him outside and into a truck, buckling him in. He hears the person mumble, "gotta be better, Kaner," but he's so drunk that he doesn't think anything of it. Instead, he closes his eyes.

When he opens them, the sun is shining right on his face, making him groan and roll over. His eye catches on the glass of water and aspirin on the nightstand, making his heart swell. Nobody's ever taken care of him like this.

His phone buzzes with a text, so he grabs it and reads the text Saader sent him.

**Did you get home okay?**

He drops the phone on the floor, frozen in place. If Saader didn't do this, who did? He grabs his phone and rapidly types out a message.

**Yeah, got home fine. Who helped me?**

**Jonny did. Said he didn't mind doing it.**

Patrick runs to the bathroom to puke, half from the alcohol, half from the thought of Jonathan driving him home and bringing him upstairs. God, he probably looked so pathetic. The thought of him probably saying something idiotic makes his stomach churn.

Somebody knocks on his front door, and he stumbles down the hallway before ripping it open to see Jonathan Toews himself standing on the other side. He stares, and Toews shifts from one foot to another.

"Hi," Toews finally says.

"What are you doing here, Captain?" Pat asks, rubbing at his face.

"What, I can't check up on my teammate to see how he's doing?" Toews questions.

"Not really, no." Pat sighs. "I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't really talk to you like that since you made sure I got home safe. Thank you for that, by the way."

"No problem. Mind if I come in?"

Pat perks up. "No, come on in! Sorry about the mess. I would've cleaned if I knew you were coming. Or anybody, really."

Toews steps in, looking around. "You don't have visitors?"

"Well, my sister visits when she can, and Saader comes around when he wants to hang out, but other than that, no."

Toews turns around slowly and smiles. "Do you want to hang out today?"

Pat stares at him. "Why?"

Toews shrugs. "Why not?"

Pat opens the door. "I think you need to leave."

"Kaner—"

"Please." His eyes are watering, and he rubs at them to make them stop.

Toews eventually nods and leaves, patting Pat's shoulder along the way. When the door is closed and locked, Pat bursts into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. He walks back to his room and crawls under the covers, regretting waking up.

______________________________

After practice, Pat walks to his car to see Toews leaning against his car. Pat frowns and approaches him, adjusting his bag to protect his stomach.

"What's up?" he asks. He would use attitude, but he doesn't want to risk it.

"I thought we could go out for some lunch, talk about the upcoming game," Toews states.

Pat sucks in a breath. "I don't mean to be rude, but—why?"

Toews shrugs. "I wanna hear your opinion."

Pat sighs. "Sure. Where to?"

Toews gives him a restaurant before walking to his own car. Pat throws his bag into the passenger seat and stares at the dash, trying to figure out what's going on. Is this some kind of prank? Is he going to get beaten up? God, he hopes not. He had bruised ribs for three months the last time he fell for something like this. He thought Sharp finally wanted to be his friend. After all, Pat looks up to him when it comes to playing hockey. He's learned from his mistakes, though.

When he arrives at the restaurant, he looks around until he find Toews sitting by himself. Hesitantly, he walks over, looking around to make sure there aren't other players around. He should've done that last time.

"You okay?" Toews asks as he stands, making Pat shrink back. God, why was he cursed with his height?

"Fine. Why?"

"You're acting paranoid."

Pat holds back a scoff. "That's how I roll."

Toews frowns and sits back down. Pat takes the seat across from him and orders a water from the waitress. When he looks back at Toews, he's shocked to see Toews staring at him with his forehead scrunched up.

"What?" he asks.

"You sure you're okay? You've looked over your shoulder three times," Toews points out.

"I promise I'm fine. Just have to make sure I'm safe," Pat blurts, mentally cursing himself.

"Safe from what?"

"Nothing. Forget about it," Pat says quickly, picking up the menu to distract himself.

God, this is already going downhill. All Pat wanted to do was pretend that he was hanging out with his best friend, just eating lunch and enjoying each other's company. Now, he's vulnerable; perfect for his teammates to attack.

While they wait for the waitress to come back, Toews asks him questions about the next game. Pat gives him questions like he would give the media, and Toews ends up telling him that it's just him. _Well, that's the problem,_ Pat thinks. _It's you. My captain. One of my living nightmares._

Suddenly, a hand lands on his shoulders, gripping it tightly, making him tense up. He knows that gesture anywhere.

"Well, well; if it isn't my two favorite people. How are you, Pat?" Sharp asks.

"Just-just fine, Sharpy," Pat stutters. Gotta use the nicknames in public, right? Don't want to throw anybody off.

"Jonny here texted us and told us that you were meeting him for lunch. We had to come and visit, didn't we boys?"

Keith, Seabrook, and Shaw agree behind him, and he feels the blood drain from his face. His stomach twists, and he feels like he's going to puke at any moment. Sharp's grip tightens even more, making him wince in pain. Toews glares at him, making him feel small and weak.

"I-I need to go," Pat says as he stands, but Sharp shoves him back in his seat.

"No, stay! After all, he's your friend, right? You can't leave your friend hanging."

Pat feels his eyes water as his throat closes up. God, why is he such a baby? He shouldn't be in the NHL with emotions like this. The only time it's okay to cry is when he wins the Stanley Cup or a gold medal.

"I forgot that I have to pick my sister up from work. Her car's in the shop," he lies, struggling to swallow air.

He stands up, jostling the table with the sudden movement. He runs out, trying to get away from his teammates. As he struggles with the door, he hears footsteps approaching him. His hands shake, making him drop his keys, so he bends down and picks them up. Suddenly, his shoulders are shoved into the door, and he keeps a cry of pain down. Sharp's face is really close to his.

"What are you doing with our captain, huh?" he hisses, pushing Pat into the door again.

"He-he invited me to lunch, said he wanted to talk about the game," Pat rushes. "That's all! I promise!"

Sharp looks around before punching him in the stomach, making him double over. He then shoves him to the ground. "You better hope that's all it was."

Sharp starts to turn, but then he kicks Pat in the stomach, and Pat cries out. They walk away, leaving him curled in the parking lot, sobbing. He doesn't know how long he's there for, but he hears tires screech to a halt near him, and a car door slam. Somebody runs to him, but he cowers back, holding his arms up.

"Don't hurt me!" he exclaims before he groans, the movements too much.

"Kaner, Kaner, _Pat!_ It's me! It's Brandon!"

Pat looks up to see Brandon with a frown on his face. He starts to cry again, feeling so weak. Brandon helps him stand and takes him to his car. Pat looks back at his Hummer, but Brandon shakes his head.

"You're in no shape to drive. We can get it tomorrow."

___________________________

His Hummer stays in the restaurant parking lot for three days before Brandon and Erica go to get it. Pat can't go back. He doesn't want to relive it. He'll just cry like the baby he is.

Toews has tried calling him a few times, but he doesn't leave voicemails when Patrick hits the decline button. He stops, getting the message after a while, finally letting Pat breathe.

At the next practice, Pat doesn't look up, afraid to catch the eye of anybody. When he takes his shirt off, he sees that the bruise has gotten worse. Coach calls him into his office, so he puts his shirt back on and follows him. The door closes, and he looks up.

"Pat, lift up your shirt," Coach demands.

With a shaky hand, he follows his order. Coach frowns at the bruise as he studies it.

"Who did that to you?"

Pat slaps a smile onto his face as he says, "I did. I was working out alone and dropped some weights on myself. I'll be fine."

Coach stares at him before saying, "Okay, but I want the doctor to check you out before you go on the ice. That looks painful."

"I promise, I'm fine. I don't need the doctor."

"Pat-"

"I'm fine!" he snaps.

He stomps out, slamming the door behind him. He changes quickly and rushes to get on the ice. When he arrives, Sharp, Seabrook, Keith, and Shaw are glaring at him. He shakes his head, and they seem to relax a little. Toews, however, skates over.

"What happened?" he questions.

"Just wanted to go over a drill," Pat lies.

"No, not in the office. What happened to _you_?"

Pat grits his teeth. "I was working out and dropped some weights on me, is all. I'll be fine."

As he's about to skate away, Toews catches him by the arm and glares at him. "If something's going on, you tell me, okay? I'm your captain."

"I was just clumsy. I should have somebody work out with me next time. Maybe I'll ask Brandon."

"Work out with me," Toews blurts. "I'll be your spotter."

Pat thinks about it before nodding slowly. "Okay."

Toews lets go and skates to the rest of the team to make a speech. They run through drills after, and then they skate suicides. Once practice is over, they all go to the locker room. Sharp stands up with a smile on my face.

"Guys, I'm having a party at my house." He then turns to Pat. "You're all invited. This Saturday. Nobody skips out."

Pat nods and heads for the showers. He stands in his usual corner and turns the heat up high, letting it burn his skin. It's the only release he gets, really. The others—well, they didn't work out so well. Ladd found out and made him promise to stop. This is the closest he can get.

Brandon joins him, as usual, and they shower, talking to each other quietly. Suddenly, Toews is next to Brandon, talking to them. Pat stares before shutting the water off and walking as fast as he can to get out, frantically tying his towel around his waist. He changes in record time, shoving his shoes on as he runs out the building.

___________________________

When Pat arrives at the Sharps', he stands on the front steps for about a minute, trying to figure out whether he should ring the doorbell or walk in. He decides on ringing the doorbell, and Abby opens it a few seconds later, a smile on her face. She's always been nice to him when he comes over, asking why he doesn't come over when the rest of the team has videogame night. He always shrugs, ignoring the pain in his chest, telling her that he was feeling well.

"Pat! It's so good to see you!" she exclaims as she pulls him into a tight hug. He relishes it and steps back reluctantly. She frowns when she sees the look on his face.

"What's wrong?" she asks him.

"Nothing. Where's Maddy?"

"Don't you want to hang with the guys?"

He shakes his head. "Gotta see my second-favorite girl, next to you."

She smacks his arm playfully and leads him to the playroom. Maddy looks up and shrieks with delight as she runs over to him, clinging to his leg. She looks up with a grin on her face.

"Hi, Patty."

He smiles and picks her up, propping her on his hip. "Hey, Maddy. Whatcha doin'?"

"Hugging you," she says as her arms fling around his neck. "I missed you. You need to visit more."

He sighs. "I wish I could, but you know why I can't."

"Why is Daddy mean to you?" she asks. She only talks about it to him, apparently. Good secret-keeper.

"I don't know, baby girl. I don't know." He looks around the room for something to do. "How about we have a tea party? I don't want to see my teammates just yet."

They have a tea party for about half an hour before Abby comes looking for them. She smiles when she sees Pat wearing a feather boa and a tiara. "C'mon, it's time to eat."

Maddy runs ahead with Abby, leaving Pat to clean up. Once he's done, he walks to the kitchen, but he's grabbed and pulled into the garage. Keith and Seabrook hold him while Sharpy punches him, making his knees collapse.

"Flirting with my wife?" Punch to the stomach. "Going near my kid?" Kick to the groin.

"I'm not flirting with Abby," Pat gasps, which earns another punch.

"Stop talking. You disgust me." Another punch to the face, splitting his lip. He spits the blood on the cement and looks up at Sharp.

Before Sharp can kick Pat, Toews pulls him back before getting between them. "Stop it!"

Pat spits more blood, but it drips down his chin. Keith and Seabrook throw him to the ground, and Toews crouches to check on him. He looks back at them. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"Just teaching him a lesson, is all. We can't let him go around, flirting with our wives or girlfriends," Keith states.

"Yeah, well, knock it off!"

"Jonny, you let us do it a few years ago!" Seabrook protests.

"That was then! It's different, now!"

"I wasn't flirting with Abby," Pat groans. "I don't flirt with women."

They all turn to him. "What are you trying to say?" Sharp asks.

"I'm gay, you asshole." They stare at him, and he lets out a bitter laugh. "Yeah, who's looking like the bad person, now?"

He stands up and walks out, refusing to make eye contact with anybody. When he gets in his car, he sits in the seat before hitting the steering wheel multiple, letting out screams and tears. Calming down, he turns the key in the ignition and drives home, silence filling the car.

He drives around for a couple hours, hoping it will help. It doesn't, but there's nothing else to do, and he doesn't feel like going back to his empty apartment just yet. His Bluetooth rings, and the screen tells him it's his sister. He ignores it, but it starts ringing again. He ignores it again and drives home, knowing she's going to be there. By the time he pulls into his parking spot, she's called six times. He tries to sneak into the apartment, but when he reaches the living room, he freezes because Jonathan fucking Toews is sitting on his couch.

"Erica let me in," Toews tells him.

"Great. Where is she?" Pat asks.

"She said she was going to run to the grocery store for some coffee beans, but you have plenty in the kitchen. I think she just wanted us to talk alone."

Pat sighs. "Yeah, well, I don't really feel like talking."

"Pat–"

"Don't call me that!" he snaps. Jonathan flinches. "Only my friends and my family get to call me that. You're not my friend. We haven't been friends since we were seventeen, damnit!" By now, he's in tears. "I've had one friend on this goddamn team, and that's Brandon! I don't have many friends in this league, but everybody else is all buddy-buddy, while I sit here, wondering what the hell is wrong with me! Then I remember that you all talk behind my back, and that really sucks, Toews. That really sucks, and it really hurts. I'm supposed to _like_ being in the NHL, but all I think about is just quitting! All of a sudden, you come in like you're my knight in shining armor, but a knight in shining armor is a shitty knight because a true knight has armor that's scuffed up from previous battles! Nobody has fought for me! You don't get to hate me for nine years because of some gay-panic that you had and then expect me to welcome you with open arms and smiles and fucking sunshine and rainbows!"

He's breathing heavily, and he feels a little light-headed by the time he's done. Toews stares at him in shock, which doesn't surprise him. He hasn't spoken that much to somebody since World Juniors.

"Patrick, I–"

"Leave. I don't want to hear any more from you. You are not my friend. You should not be here. The only people welcomed here are friends and family. You are neither, and you never will be. I _hate_ you, Jonathan Toews."


	2. Chapter 2

So, yeah. Gay panic. Pat hasn't really told anybody about it. He told Erica, but that's because she practically made him. He hates seeing the look of–of _something_ on her face. He doesn't even know what the look is, but he knows he hates it.

It was during World Juniors. Pat knew that he was in love with Jonny. He didn't have a crush. He was actually in love. When they played on the same team a few years back, the only person he saw on the ice was Jonny. They were attached at the hip. When Jonny had to leave, Pat cried for days, trying to forget Jonny, but how could anybody forget a person like Jonny? _His_ Jonny?

Anyway, when they saw each other at World Juniors, they both froze. Jonny then walked over and gave him a crushing hug. They hung out, and the night after their first game against each other, they hooked up. They were inseparable the whole tournament. Then, Pat went back to America.

When Pat was drafted to the Blackhawks, he was so _excited_ because he could play with Jonny. He trained as hard as he could, did the best that he could at prospect camp, and then he was invited to training camp. When he arrived, well—

He met Jonathan. Jonny was gone, and Pat misses him to this day.

_________________________________

After his outburst, Pat has avoided the team at all costs. He claims he has a terrible stomach bug and doesn't want to get the team doctors sick. He ignores Saader's calls. He ignores Erica's knocks on his apartment door. He doesn't want to talk to anybody. He just wants to be left alone.

Eventually, he has to go to work. God, he never called it work because he had fun. Now, he has to drag himself out of bed and to the rink. He keeps his eyes low and his hands in his pockets, making sure his sleeves cover everything. If anybody sees, he'll be made fun of and locked up. Then again, that sounds better than having to face _him._

When he steps onto the ice, he's immediately grabbed. Without even thinking, he flinches. He still has bruises from the party, and they kill.

"Pat, are you okay?" Saader asks. Pat nods.

"I'm fine," he says, his voice flat and hoarse.

Before Saader can ask anything, somebody stops in front of them. "Can I talk to Patrick?"

Saader skates off, leaving Pat with Toews. He keeps his eyes on the ice, refusing to look up the face that's been in every single nightmare he's had since he arrived at training camp.

"What's up, Captain?" he asks.

"How're you feeling?" Toews asks.

"Fine. Bug's gone," Pat mumbles, feeling his chest tighten as his throat closes up and his eyes water. _No, not now. Can't cry right now._

"Hey, do you think we can–"

"I'm busy, sorry."

Q blows his whistle, cutting off whatever is going on between them. The team skates over, and they listen to what's going on today. While Pat stands in line for his turn, he hears Shaw and Sharp whispering behind him.

_"Have you talked to him since the party?"_

_"No. He's been ignoring everybody; Abby refuses to talk to me."_

_"I don't blame her; she loves that kid."_

The whistle blows, and Pat skates through the drill with ease. As he's skating back, the rink is silent. He looks up and freezes when he notices that everybody's eyes are on him. His stomach churns under the pressure. Suddenly, he feels like he's going to be sick. He rushes over to the bench, ignoring Q's barks, and he grabs the nearest bucket before throwing up into it.

"Patrick!" he hears Saader call out, and the sound of skates rushing towards him makes him cower back.

"Don't hurt me!" Pat screams as he holds his arms up, and the skates skid to a halt.

He lowers his arms slowly and looks around them. Everybody's eyes are wide as they watch him. He drops the bucket and runs down the tunnel, pulling his practice jersey over his head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What the hell is going on?!" Q yells once Pat is gone, but the team's too stunned to answer.

Jonny looks are and notices how guilty Seabs, Duncs, and Sharpy look. Saader's arms are hanging loosely by his sides, his shoulders slumped in defeat.

"Well?!" Q yells. When there still isn't an answer, he blows his whistle, making everybody jump. "Nobody leaves this ice until I know why he just acted like that."

Saader finally turns around, his face red as he breathes heavily. "I know why," he says in a low voice.

"Enlighten me, Saader," Q says.

Saader skates over to Sharpy. "You did this!" he screams as he grabs a fistful of jersey. "You! Did this!"

Seabs immediately grabs Saader and pulls him away as Saader keeps shouting, "You did this!"

"Brandon, calm down!" Q screams. When it's silent, he asks calmly, "What did Sharpy do?"

"Why don't you ask him? I'm sure he'll love to brag about it like he brags about everything else having to do with Kaner," Saader hisses.

Sharpy's face is like a white sheet, it's so pale. He clears his throat and says, "I had a party last weekend, and something really bad happened."

"Sharpy, you need to tell me everything that happened."

So he does. Everybody relives what happened that night, cringing as Sharpy explains what he did. Q's face gets redder and redder as the story goes on. When it finally is, it's silent.

"What does Saader mean 'everything else to do with Kaner'?" Q asks quietly.

Sharpy doesn't say anything, so Saader speaks up. "They torture him. He's made fun of, he's barely invited to the bar or out to dinner. He told me that he used to get beaten up on the road."

"Who's 'they'?"

"The whole team."

"And where was he beaten up on the road?"

"In his hotel room. Your precious captain would do nothing to prevent it." Saader then looks at Jonny. "How do you sleep at night, knowing that you let one of your own teammates get beaten up in the same room as you? How do you _live_ with that?"

"Saader, you may go. Make sure Kaner's okay. As for the rest of you, it's going to be a long time before any of you leave," Q then says.

"Sir, Hossa has nothing to do with this. He hasn't done anything to hurt Kaner in any way," Duncs speaks up.

"It's true; he's done nothing," Saader rushes.

"Hossa, you may leave as well."

 

 

Q yells at them for an hour, telling them that they're a disgrace as human beings, that they shouldn't be in the NHL with the attitudes they have. Then, he stands there for about two minutes, breathing heavily and staring at them.

"You're lucky this hasn't he hasn't done something, you know. We're lucky he hasn't committed suicide. We can fix this," Q mumbles.

"How?" Crow asks.

"I don't know, but it'll get done. We can't lose a guy like him. He's a great person. I honestly don't get why you guys don't like him." He looks at the clock. "Everybody can go, except for Sharpy, Seabs, Duncs, and Tazer. You four, in my office."

They trudge down the hallway and sit in the chairs, waiting as the tension grows in the room. The door opens behind them, and then it slams shut, making the frames on the wall tremble. Q stands sits behind his desk and folds his hands, his mouth resting against them.

"I can't believe you four. You're supposed to be leaders. Two of you have an A, and one has the C. You've taught the rookies to hate him. Good thing Saader didn't go along with it. He's probably the only person on this team keeping him alive."

"Sir–"

"Jonathan Toews, keep that mouth shut. I don't want to hear from you. You're supposed to be his best friend, and I find out that you're one of his worst nightmares. You let your teammates beat him up in front of you. It makes me wonder if you threw any of the punches yourself."

"Coach, Jonny tried fixing it," Seabs blurts.

"It's true; he tried to be Pat's friend, but Pat thought it was an act," Duncs pipes up.

"Do you blame him? We made his life a living hell. God, does his family know?" Sharpy asks.

"Erica does," Jonny says, staring at the desk. "She told me when I went to his apartment after the party. She said she knew that I was trying, and that he's kept it a secret from his whole family. She told to just keep trying, no matter how many times Pat pushed me away because he still misses Jonny."

"But you're Jonny," Sharpy points out.

"Not to him. I used to be, but now I'm 'Captain' or 'Toews'. If I'm lucky, I'm 'Jonathan'. I haven't been Jonny since Juniors."

Q leans forward. "Jonny, what happened in Juniors?"

Jonny swallows and says, "Pat and I were in love. On our last night together, we hooked up, and then he left for America. I never heard anything from him and thought that he had a gay panic. Now, I know that he thought the same day when we had training camp. God, I was so mean to him, thinking that he was homophobic."

"Are you still in love with him?" Q asks.

"Yeah, but–"

"Go to his apartment, tell him, and fix this."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pat ignores the loud banging on his apartment door and continues to write his letter. This time, it won't be unfinished. When he's completed it, he grabs the knife from the table and lays it against his wrist.

"Patrick, open the door!" Toews shouts, making him freeze. He hears a thump, which means his forehead is resting against the door. "Patrick, I know you can hear me. Please, just listen. I never heard from you after that night, so I thought that you had a gay panic. I was _so mad_ when I saw you at camp, acting like it didn't happen. Ever day, I see the face you made when I said what I said, and it pains me, knowing I made that happen. Seabs asked what happened between us, and when I told him, it got around the team. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. When Saader pointed out that you haven't actually done anything to me since our careers started to make me hate you, it made me realize that he was right. I've been trying to make this right again, and I know it's going to take a long time for you to trust me again, but I promise that I won't stop until you forgive me. I'm still Jonny. I'm the Jonny that you've missed all these years. I _love_ you, Pat."

Pat looks at the knife. "It's too late, Jonny."

The door breaks open as the shark piece of metal slices through the veins, and Toews screams before grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his wrist. He takes his phone out and calls for an ambulance, but Pat can't really hear what he's saying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jonny watches the hospital TV as Q gives a statement to the media about Pat.

_"The other day, I was informed that Patrick was hospitalized. He tried to commit suicide, but luckily, somebody was there to save him. He's been dealing with personal issues with the team for years that I did not know about until that day. I've been working on it, but it's going to be a while before he comes back."_

_"Coach, how do you think this is going to affect the team's play?"_

_"I have a player that just tried to take his life, and all you're concerned about is how it's going to affect my team's play? We're not worried about any of the games right now. We're just praying that he pulls through. The world cannot lose a man like him. No further questions."_

Jonny turns the television off and rubs his face. His back is killing him from sitting in the chair by Pat's bed. Pat hasn't woken up since that day. The only sound in this room is the heart monitor and the occasional sigh that comes out of his mouth. Erica and Saader come by every day, but Erica can't stand seeing Pat like this, but she tries to stay longer than the day before. Saader stays with her and keeps her company.

The bandages on Pat's arms burn holes in Jonny's eyes. They told him that they had to change the bandage on his other wrist because it was so gross from when he cut himself the few days he was out. They make Jonny's stomach churn, and he has to run to the bathroom to throw up every once in a while.

Two more days have past when Pat finally wakes up. He looks around until his eyes lock on Jonny's. He looks like a deer in headlights, and Jonny doesn't blame him.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

Jonny sits forward and sighs. "I've been here since I was told that I could see you. I haven't left the room."

Pat looks him up and down, taking in how pathetic Jonny must look. "I can see that, now. Why?"

"I told you that I wasn't going to give up. I'm not going to give up on the person that I'm in love with," Jonny explains.

"You're not in love with me. You're my captain."

"I'm still the Jonny that you know and love from Juniors, and I'm going to prove that to you. That's why I was being so nice. I wanted to show you that I'm still the guy from Juniors that you fell in love with."

"I'm not going to forgive that easily."

"I know, and there will not be a day where I even think about giving up," Jonny says, hesitantly taking Pat's hand.

"He's telling the truth, Patty," Erica says, stepping into the room. "I know he's not going to give up. He's Jonathan Toews. Has Jonathan Toews ever backed down?"

Pat shakes his head, making Jonny smile. "No, he doesn't. He should, though."

Jonny stands up at that. "Try me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a couple days, Pat makes Toews go home. He just wants to be left alone, but he can't get that wish granted if Toews is there all the fucking time. Now, it's exactly what he's used to: quiet and lonely.

It's not like he hates having company; he loves it. He just doesn't like having Toews around all of a sudden. Pat's so used to being loathed by his teammates, so used to not being invited to videogame night or movie night or to most parties or barbeques. It still hurts like hell, but he's used to it. He's used to just seeing Sam or Tyler in the summer. He's used to training alone. He's used to spending Thanksgiving alone while everybody else goes to Sharp's house. He's used to being told that he's not invited to any get-togethers.

He's used to it.

He still wishes he died, though.

"Uncle Patty!" he hears his favorite little girl squeal.

He looks at the doorway and manages to catch Maddy in time. Abby smiles and steps in, sitting on the corner of the bed as she asks, "How are you feeling?"

"Physically, I'm tired, and my wrists ache from the stitches. Mentally–" He lets out a choked sob, making Maddy look at him with a frown.

"What's wrong, Uncle Patty?" she asks.

He laughs, the tears running down his cheeks. "When was I upgraded to Uncle Patty?"

She shrugs, saying, "Mommy said that it would make you happy and might keep you around. Are you leaving me?"

More tears run down as he answers with, "Maddy, I could never leave you. You're my girl." He wipes his face and looks at Abby. "If Patrick knew you were here–"

"He would have to deal with it. I haven't talked to him since the party, since I found out what he's been doing to you," she says, taking his hand in hers.

"I asked Daddy why he was mean to you, Uncle Patty," Maddy pipes up.

"Maddy, you knew? Why didn't you tell Mommy?" Abby questions.

"Uncle Patty made me pinky promise not to tell anybody, and you told me that I should never break my promises. Daddy said that he was mean because you made Jonny sad. He said that Jonny thought you didn't love him like he loves you, so he was mad and sad at the same time," Maddy tells him.

"I love Jonny; I will always love Jonny. I just don't love Jonathan."

"What do you mean?" both Maddy and Abby ask.

"You see, Jonny and I loved each other very much before we were on the Blackhawks. Eventually, we had to be far apart until I was drafted, and in that time, Jonny changed a lot. He's not the same person that he was when I loved him. He became Jonathan to me, not the Jonny that I know and love," Pat explains.

"How do we bring the old Jonny back?" Maddy questions.

Pat shakes his head. "I don't think we can."

_________________________________

On Pat's last day at the hospital, he's packing his bags when there's a knock on the door. He turns around and freezes. Sharp sends him a smile that he's never been sent as he steps in. Pat scrambles to get as far away as possible, making Sharp stop in his tracks.

"What are you doing here?" Pat demands.

"Jonny told me to pick you up. He said it would be good for the both of us," Sharp tells him.

Pat snorts. "Yeah, right. Besides him, you're the last person I want to see. Do you have any idea how times I didn't sleep at night because I was afraid you and 'Jonny' and the rest of the team was going to be in my dreams? I doubt Jonny sent you here."

Sharp takes his phone out, taps the screen a few times, and then Jonny's voice is the only thing heard in the room.

_"Hey, Sharpy. It's Jonny. Is there—god, I can't believe I'm asking this. Is there any way you can drive Kaner home from the hospital? I would do it, but I know he doesn't want to see me. I fucked–"_

Sharp stops the voicemail before it continues. Pat groans and picks up his bag, walking out to go to the front desk. Before he can ask for the paperwork, Sharp drags him outside.

"What about the–"

"Already signed and paid. Come on, your family's waiting for you back at your apartment."

"Wait, my _family?_ Why aren't they picking me up? Scratch that. I can't see them! They're going to treat me like I'm a cracked china plate," Pat sighs as they get in Sharp's car.

"Patrick, they really want to see you. They just got in this morning. All the other flights to Chicago were booked. This was the closest one Jonny could get," Sharp explains, backing out of his spot and pulling onto the street.

"Jonny brought them in?"

"Well, yeah. No offense, but your family can't afford four tickets to Chicago when the flight is that soon." Sharp looks at him and sighs. "He really loves you, you know? He only told us last week, but–"

"Wait, he _told_ you that? And who's 'us'?" Pat questions.

Sharp lets out a laugh, but it doesn't sound bitter. It sounds like the laugh he gives the other guys. "Yeah, he told us everything about when you guys were in Juniors. It was Coach, Seabs, Duncs, and me. He even has a picture of you two in his wallet."

"Really?" Pat asks, his voice small.

Sharp glances at him and gives him a genuine smile. "Really."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jonny sits with Erica at the table while the rest of the Kane family sits on the couch. Nobody has uttered a word since Erica greeted them at the door. Jonny's 100% sure they all hate him, and he doesn't blame them. He almost killed their son and brother. The only person that's okay with him is Erica, and that's because she knows the whole story. The rest of the Kane family just knows that Jonny's the worst fucking thing to happen to Patrick.

"Erica, I really shouldn't be here," Jonny says when he looks at the clock. They should be here any minute.

"Don't be silly, Jon; Patty will be happy to see you."

Everybody snorts, including him, and he clears his throat before standing up, saying, "I really should get going. Pat will be here any minute, and I know he doesn't–"

He's cut off by the sound of keys in a lock. Patrick's family rushes over and jumps Patrick the minute he steps in, crying and scolding him to "never try that again, young man. You had us all worried."

Somebody must tell Patrick that Jonny's there because Patrick's suddenly staring at him with these cold, dead eyes. Jonny feels his throat start to close up as his eyes water, and he grabs his sweatshirt before running out, mumbling a quick apology. Once he's in the elevator, he lets it all out, his chest heaving as he tries to get air in his lungs. When he closes his eyes, all he sees are the dead ones of Patrick.

What has he done?


	3. Chapter 3

As soon as Jonny's gone, Erica slaps Pat on the shoulder. He hisses and holds the spot, glaring at her. "What the hell, Erica?"

"Do you have any idea what I had to do to keep him here for when I got home? I almost had to tie him to the chair! God, Jonny didn't even want to be here because he knew how you would act! You couldn't have given him any reason to stay?" she asks.

"Erica, that's enough! How dare you treat your brother like this after all he's been through!" Donna scolds.

"No, Mom!" Erica snaps before turning back to Pat. "Don't you see, Pat? He loves you! He can't be around you because he hates himself for what he's done, and he can't stand the look on your face whenever you see him! I know you think that he deserves it, and I do, too, but he's _trying_ , Pat. He can't change what happened, but he's trying to fix this, and don't even try telling me that it's too late. You see Jonathan, but I see Jonny."

With that, Erica leaves, slamming the door behind her. When he turns back to his family, he shakes his head before storming down the hallway. His mother starts to follow him, but he closes his bedroom door, locking it behind him. Not wanting to hear her talk through the inch-thick wood, he immediately goes into the bathroom and starts the shower.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jonny hates himself.

How could he? He hurt the one person he loves because he was upset. He let his teammates hurt that person, both physically and emotionally. He still has nightmares about the first time Sharpy, Duncs, and Seabs visited their hotel room.

_Tough loss against Edmonton made Pat almost cancel his plans with Gags, but Gags had the winning shootout goal. Pat can't let him down. He's actually getting ready right now when somebody knocks on the door. He opens it and smiles when he sees his teammates, but the smile disappears when they scowl at him._

_"Going out?" Seabs asks._

_"Yeah, I was going to meet Gags–"_

_They push their way inside, slamming the door shut behind them. One look tells Pat that he's gonna get it. He looks at Jonny as Jonny turns his back. pretending to put his clothes away._

_"Jonny, please. Don't let them–"_

_"Shut it!" Sharpy snaps as he slaps Pat across the face._

_"I'm taking first shower," Jonny states as he starts to walk to the bathroom._

_"Jonny, please! Jonny! Jonny!"_

_Pat screams Jonny's name repeatedly. His voice gets cut off as he's punched, but Jonny just closes the bathroom door behind him. He leans against it, crying silently as Pat continues to call out to him._

_When he's done with his shower, the guys are gone, and Pat's curled into a ball on his bed, shaking and crying. Jonny shoves down the guilt and changes into his boxer briefs. When he crawls into bed, Pat looks at him and asks, "Why'd you let them do that?"_

_"Do what?" Jonny asks._

_Pat gives him a horrified look before getting up and locking himself into the bathroom. Jonny hears his sobs echo against the tiles, and he lets one out himself._

_He didn't want this to happen._

Those screams from Patrick echo through Jonny's head whenever it's too quiet. They make his fists clench until his knuckles are white. He didn't know how to stop his teammates back then, and then he thought it was too late to stop them. He doesn't know what prompted him to stop them that night at the party. Maybe it was the fact that Saader pointed out that Patrick never actually ignored what happened between them. Patrick didn't talk about it because of what Jonny said to him that first day of camp.

_Pat walks up to him with a smile on his face, happy to see Jonny. Maybe Jonny lost his e-mail and his cellphone number. It's easy to lose pieces of paper._

_"Hey, Jonny! Can you believe we're on the same team?" Pat asks._

_Jonny just stares at him before saying, "I don't talk to faggots."_

He didn't mean for it to slip out, but by the time he registered what he said, Pat's face was already twisting in to what looked like a crying face. Pat had run off and didn't come back until somebody found him. His eyes were red and puffy, and he didn't look at Jonny for the rest of camp.

Jonny focuses back to his computer screen and confirms his purchase before closing his laptop. When he puts it on the coffee table, he violently pushes the glass that he had away, making it shatter as water sprays everywhere. He stands and looks at the framed picture of the team when they won their first cup and throws it to the ground. That was the first time he saw Pat's smile reach his eyes ever since he signed with the team. The only other time he saw it was when they won their second cup.

He caused this, and there's no way to fix this. He ruined the best thing that has ever happened to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pat is still required to go to practices and games. He just watches, but it's something to do. His wrist burns every time one of his teammates looks at him. Jonathan avoids his gaze, running through practice like a robot.

Then, Jonathan doesn't show up to practice.

It's not normal, but everybody's pretty sure that he's okay. Well, until he doesn't show up to the game that night or the next practice. Sharp and Seabrook plan to visit his apartment after practice, Pat hears. They strip off their gear quickly and leave without explaining themselves to anybody else. Pat starts to drive home once everybody else is gone when Sharp calls him.

"Yes?" Pat answers.

"Kaner, you're gonna want to see this," Sharp states.

"What's going on?" Pat asks.

"Just—get to Jonny's apartment. It'll explain everything."

Pat turns around and speeds to Jonathan's apartment. He takes the stairs and walks through the open door. What he sees is each framed picture of the team shattered, magazine and newspaper articles ripped to pieces. Seabrook hands him a strip of paper, and Pat's throat closes up.

It's pictures of him and Jonny in a photo booth when they were in Juniors. They had a day off and went to a mall to hang out. Pat practically dragged Jonny to the booth, even though they both knew Jonny loved the idea. In the first picture, Jonny has Pat in a headlock and is giving him a noogie. The second picture is of them making goofy faces at the camera. The third is of Pat kissing Jonny's cheek as Jonny smiles. Pat kissed his cheek at the last second when the picture was taken. The fourth—well, the fourth has always been Pat's favorite. They're kissing each other, but they're smiling too much.

"You two look so happy," Seabrook comments.

Pat sniffs and says, "We were." He then looks around the apartment, his face scrunching up. "What happened? Where's Toews?"

"We don't know. When we got here, his place looked like this. His car's gone, and so are some of his clothes." Sharp takes an envelope from his jacket pocket and hands it to Pat. "We also found this."

Pat looks at the _Patrick_ that's written in scratchy handwriting. He rips it open and finds a letter to him from Toews. It reads:

_Dear Patrick,_

_I almost wrote "Pat", but then I remembered what you told me, and I also remembered what you told Abby and Maddy. I know I shouldn't' have been there, but I went to see you. You're right, though; I'm Jonathan. I pushed Jonny away because I was so hurt, thinking that you had what you thought I had: a gay panic. ~~Pat, I could~~  Patrick, I could never have a gay panic over you. Throughout the years that we've been on the team together, I never hated you. Yeah, there were times where I thought I did, but then I looked at that strip from the photo booth and remember why I never tried to get over you. How could somebody try to get over a person like you?_

_I left the strip for you because even if you still have yours, this is to prove that I never gave up, that I never had that "panic". It took me too long to realize that what I was doing and what I was letting the team do is wrong on so many levels, and I am deeply sorry about that. I can't change it, no matter how much I want to, and I regret everything that I've done to hurt you, to put you in the state that you're in now; scared and alone. You may not see it that way, but I do. I see the fear in your eyes when you look at me, and it makes my stomach churn because I caused that. I caused the fear in your eyes to appear. I want to change that look, to make it love instead of fear, but in order to do that, I need some time by myself to bring the Jonny back that you know and love. I know it's the worst possible time to do it, with playoffs coming up and everything, but you're far more important than hockey and the Stanley Cup._

_Love,_

_Jonathan_

Pat wipes at his face, surprised when he finds tears on his hand. He looks back at Sharp and Seabrook and takes in a shuddering breath before breaking down, falling onto the couch. Sharp sits next to him, his body stiff as he lifts a hand, letting it thump against Patrick's back. When Patrick flinches, Sharp starts to pull back, but he stops and rubs Patrick's back in an attempt to soothe him.

"Where'd he go?" Pat asks once he's calmed down.

Seabrook shrugs as he says, "We don't know; he only left a letter for you. Did it tell you anything?"

"Only that he needs some time to bring back the Jonny that I know and love."

"Why would he leave when we're at this point in the season?" Sharp questions.

Pat looks up at them. "Because I'm more important than hockey and the Stanley Cup. Excuse me."

Pat stands up and walks down the hallway, towards the bedroom. He stops in the doorway, taking it all in. There's clothing all over the floor, most likely from Toews packing his bags. His bed's a mess, the bathroom light's still on, and there's a picture frame missing from the nightstand.

"I only saw it once," Sharp says from behind Pat, making him jump. "It was very quick, so I thought I was seeing things. It's you two from Worlds. You have your arms around each other, and he's kissing your cheek. I think you're both–"

"On the ice," Pat finishes before whipping around. "I–I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you."

"Patrick, I'm not going to hurt you. It's fine," Sharp assures him. "I promise I won't hurt you anymore."

Pat looks back at the nightstand. He remembers that picture being taken. Jonny's mom wanted them to take a picture together after they faced each other during the tournament. Jonny had that stupid, red mark from his helmet on his forehead, and they're sweaty and gross, but they didn't care. They loved each other.

"When's the next game in Winnipeg?" Pat asks.

"March 29th, why?"

"We're paying a visit to the Toews' family."

______________________________

After settling in at the hotel, Sharp and Pat take a ride to Toews' childhood home. When they park in the driveway, they sit in the car for a little, staring at the house.

"Sure you want to do this?" Sharp questions.

Pat nods. "It's the only way we'll find him."

It's been almost two weeks since Toews went missing. Stan gave a statement that Toews was taking a personal break and would be back soon. Media made assumptions, saying that he took a break because of Pat's mental health. It sounded insane to Pat, but then he remembered that they're best friends to the rest of the world.

A few seconds after Pat's knocked on the door, it swings open, and Andrée smiles before wrapping him up in a hug. "Patrick! Mon cher, it's been far too long."

"Hi, Andrée; mind if we come in?" Pat asks.

She steps aside and closes the door behind them while they take their jackets and shoes off. They follow her into the kitchen and accept the tea she offers, sitting at the table with their hands wrapped around their mugs.

"Now, I know you two aren't here for me," she says once they've settled.

"Andrée, if it was any other situation, I would've called first," Pat assures her.

"I know. Before you say anything else, I just want you to know that Jonathan told me everything that happened: the bullying, the beating, all of it. He wanted me to know because he knew this day was coming," she tells them.

"Is there any way you can tell us where he is?" Sharp asks.

"I really shouldn't, but I'm worried about him. You think you can help him?"

Pat and Sharp look at each other before Pat says, "I know we can."

"He's at the cabin, but don't leave just yet. Patrick, I want you to call him from my phone."

"Why?" he asks as he takes her cellphone.

"He always answers when I call."

When Pat finds Toews' number, he presses the call button and holds it up to his ear. His foot taps as it rings, and just when he thinks it's about to go to voicemail, there's a click.

"Maman, I told you I needed–"

"Jonny?" Pat says quietly.

It's silent on the other, and Pat pulls the phone away to see if the call was dropped. It wasn't, so he waits for Jonny— _Jonny_ —to calm down.

"Pat?"

Pat lets out a watery laugh. "Yeah, it's me. Are you okay?"

"I am, now. Pat, I miss you so much," Jonny whines.

"I miss you, too. I'm coming to visit at the cabin, okay?"

"Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Visit."

They talk a little more, and then Pat hangs up, promising to see him soon. When he hands Andrée her phone, she holds out a tissue. He wipes his tears away and blows his nose before throwing it away. She gives him a long hug, making him promise to call and visit when he can. Then, they're on the road.

 

 

They stand on the porch as they hear Jonny moving around, probably packing his bags. When the door flies open, Pat immediately notices the dark and heavy bags under his eyes. Jonny smiles and pulls Pat into a tight hug, breathing him in.

"Hi, Pat." He pulls away and smiles, running his fingers through Pat's hair. "I don't want to leave Sweden. We won't see each other."

"Sharp, he's hallucinating," Pat says. "Grab his bag, I'll take him to the car."

Sharp nods, stepping past them. Jonny follows Pat to the car, sitting in the back with him. He rests his head against Pat's shoulder and starts to fall asleep.

"Hey, Jonny, you gotta stay awake for me," Pat says.

"But 'm sleepy."

"I know, but if you fall asleep, it's gonna be a pain in the ass to wake you up once we get to the hotel."

Sharp then gets in, throwing Jonny's bag in the passenger seat. He turns around to say something, but he stops when he sees Pat and Jonny's position. He smiles and faces the front, starting the car and driving away.

They all manage to sneak into Pat's room without running into teammates or coaches. Sharp drops Jonny's bag on a chair and sighs. "Well, I definitely need my pre-game nap. You all set?"

Pat nods. Sharp opens the door when he hears a soft, "Thanks, Sharpy." He turns around and smiles.

"You're welcome, Kaner."

The door closes, and Pat pushes Jonny under the sheets. Jonny grabs Pat's arm and pulls him down. "Don't leave me."

"I'm not going to. I just wanna change into some sweats."

After Pat has changed, he crawls into bed and faces Jonny. Jonny's eyes are closed, and his breathing is slow. Pat kisses his forehead and watches him sleep.  His phone buzzes at some point, so he checks it and sees that he has a text from Coach.

_Sharpy just told me you found him. How is he?_

**No way is he playing tonight. He hasn't slept for who knows how long. He's asleep now, though. Don't know if he's gonna continue hallucinating when he wakes back up.**

He locks his phone and looks back at Jonny. He doesn't know how long they lay there, but Jonny's eyes finally flutter open.

"Hey," Pat whispers.

Jonny's eyes widen, and he scrambles, falling off the bed. He backs up to the wall, breathing heavily.

"What's wrong?" Pat asks.

"Stay away from me," Jonny says.

Pat can't help but whimper as his chest tightens. "Jonny..."

He freezes. "What did you just say?"

"I–I called you 'Jonny'. Why—"

"Why'd you call me that?"

It dawns on Pat, and he smiles softly. "That's your name." He gets out of bed and kneels in front of Jonny. "Your name is Jonny, and mine is Pat."

"Re–really?"

"Jonny, you went to Winnipeg without telling anybody but your mother so that you could be the Jonny I know and love. You left hockey for me. The Jonny I knew from Juniors would've done the same thing. I can't think of anyone outside my family that would do that." Pat places his hand on Jonny's knee. "I've missed you."

Jonny grabs him in a bear hug and sobs. "I missed you, too."

When he pulls back, Pat presses his lips to Jonny's, letting the past seven years melt away. Jonny kisses him back, but his lips are trembling too much.

"Hey, it's okay. We're okay," Pat says.

"I'm just so happy." Jonny suddenly stops. "Oh god. The photo-booth strip. I left—"

"Sharpy and Seabs found it. I brought it with me."

Jonny sighs with relief. "Thank god.: He looks at Pat and cups his face. "I love you. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you. The team can't hurt you anymore."

Pat smiles. "I love you, too."


End file.
